Once upon a time...

...there was a young woman who was optimistic and full of life. Then she grew up, found a career path she loved, had a couple kids, got married and moved onto the next chapter of life. Somewhere along the way, she lost who she was. She forgot to take care of her.

My life has been a roller coaster ride for as long as I can remember and yet here I am, nearly 30, trying to figure out what happened to me. Where did I go? I don't even know myself anymore and I have no clue how to regain the balance. Shortly after Mike & I got married, I got pregnant with my sweet Bodhi. The week of Valentine's Day 2015, I left my job to prepare for Bodhi's arrival just 3 weeks later. Little did I know, that would be my last day working outside of the home in this stage of my life.

I made the decision to breastfeed Bodhi and at 2.5, he is still attached to the boob. Some days I think is ready to be done and other days it is a struggle to get him to stop asking me all day. I made the decision to wean, when he was ready, and I think that will be in the coming months as he moves into the preschooler stage of life. Why am I telling you this? Because for the last 2.5 years my life has literally revolved around having him attached to me ALL THE TIME. It is something that I chose, but it is also draining me. I love the bond it has created & I'm so glad that I have decided to take this path. The same is true of the decision for me to be a stay at home mom. This was something that Mike & I had decided together, but ultimately it was up to me. After all, I was the one giving up my ability to get out of the house 5 days a week. This would have more impact on me than I realized at the time.

Don't get me wrong I feel absolutely blessed to be able to spend my days at home with my boys, never missing a moment, but some days I'm insanely jealous that Mike gets to leave and go to work. He has an hour commute one way to work and I can't help but wish I still had one too some days. Two hours a day with no one saying "mom" repeatedly sounds like Heaven to me. I know that commuting stinks, because I did it for quite a while, but that time to just be and not be needed by anyone is necessary for me. I wish I had figured this out sooner, I probably wouldn't be in this state of mind if I had realized that throwing my entire self at taking care of my family and never taking care of me would do this.

Currently, I'm attempting to dig myself out of a depressive state. I am no stranger to depression, but I am really struggling to find the light at the end of the tunnel this time. How does someone who has a beautiful family (three handsome little boys & a husband who is working to take care of us) become depressed? I'm living the dream.

Hugs!